The Challenge of Living with Another Person

[Voobrazheniye]

Most of us have been there: you've been dating someone for a while, and you decide to move in together. But then the difficult part begins.

She doesn't like the way he leaves his clothes around on chairs or on the floor. He thinks she is being too obsessive about it. She believes the kitchen should be ordered in her way and gets upset if he puts things in the wrong place or doesn't put things away at all.

She discovers that he snores... loudly! He sees how she looks without makeup. She learns that he does, in fact, suffer from occasional flatulence. He has to wait, and wait, and wait for the bathroom.

And on and on it goes. Both realize that they have sacrificed some freedom and accepted some responsibility for the other.

It can be extremely difficult for two people to learn to live together. Our ideal image of the other person is shattered by the reality of everyday life. Our territorial impulses come into conflict with those of the other. It takes time and patience to overcome it. And you have to really WANT to be with that person enough to overcome it.

And it's not just people in a relationship. Platonic roommates have problems adapting to each other too, but the intimacy of a relationship makes it 100 times more difficult.

So... what are your thoughts? What experiences can you share? Here are a couple of questions to get you started:

1. How much harder is it for older people to move in together than for those in their early 20s? Or is it not harder at all?

2. What is the best situation: moving into his place or her place?

3. Is it better to "ease" into cohabitation, or to just jump in and deal with everything at once?

4. Is it even worth the trouble?

It would be interesting to hear other people's real stories, especially those with different cultural perspectives. I'll share a few stories a bit later.

[brown-raider]

well after being married almost 5 years I know without a doubt my snoring drives my wife crazzzzy:tomato:, hell I sleep like a baby unless my wife is trying push me, knee me, kick me, elbow me, tickle me, or a bunch of other ways she has devised to raise me from slumber land (all by accident of course) my wife has managed also to convince to try every sleeping position there could be, wit or with out pillows, or on a moutain of pillows, however by morning I am back to my old sleeping position on my back no pillow and no blankets, my poor sweety has gone many sleepless nights because of me and our year old crying son, we are now at the point where she wants me to try using an oxygen mask to sleep, it doesn't sound to comfotable to me.... anybody here ever try one??
When my wife first came to America the first discrepency we had was over me and my son wearing outside shoes in the house, since in Russia it is a cultural thing about wearing shoes in the house, and of course here in America most people just march right in from outside with the same shoes and wear them inside, so that is one cultural thing we had to deal with, needless to say my wife won out since she's the one that does most of the floor cleaning,,, I hate cleaning floors:heat:

[itismeob]

My husband are American (59 y.o.), and I am Russian (55).We more than 6 years are familiar. We live together more than 2 years. And my husband and I are assured that have found right (in every respect ) the partner. We don't need to change habits, it is not necessary to be arranged each to other. Our house is clean and confortable. He eats 95 % of Russian food. He loves my children and my city - Moscow. We have identical idea about rest and about relations with our children. For all of these years we never quarreled. He cares of me and helps me to adapt in the USA. I can tell with confidence what to start to live together after 50 is not more difficultly than start in 20 . The different mentality doesn't prevent to be happy.

[yankee]

When my wife first came to America the first discrepency we had was over me and my son wearing outside shoes in the house, since in Russia it is a cultural thing about wearing shoes in the house, and of course here in America most people just march right in from outside with the same shoes and wear them inside, so that is one cultural thing we had to deal with, needless to say my wife won out since she's the one that does most of the floor cleaning,,, I hate cleaning floors:heat:

I have learned to take my shoes off too!!

[Voobrazheniye]

My husband are American (59 y.o.), and I am Russian (55).We more than 6 years are familiar. We live together more than 2 years. And my husband and I are assured that have found right (in every respect ) the partner. We don't need to change habits, it is not necessary to be arranged each to other. Our house is clean and confortable. He eats 95 % of Russian food. He loves my children and my city - Moscow. We have identical idea about rest and about relations with our children. For all of these years we never quarreled. He cares of me and helps me to adapt in the USA. I can tell with confidence what to start to live together after 50 is not more difficultly than start in 20 . The different mentality doesn't prevent to be happy.

You guys are really lucky to have found each other!!

[Voobrazheniye]

well after being married almost 5 years I know without a doubt my snoring drives my wife crazzzzy:tomato:, hell I sleep like a baby unless my wife is trying push me, knee me, kick me, elbow me, tickle me, or a bunch of other ways she has devised to raise me from slumber land (all by accident of course) my wife has managed also to convince to try every sleeping position there could be, wit or with out pillows, or on a moutain of pillows, however by morning I am back to my old sleeping position on my back no pillow and no blankets, my poor sweety has gone many sleepless nights because of me and our year old crying son, we are now at the point where she wants me to try using an oxygen mask to sleep, it doesn't sound to comfotable to me.... anybody here ever try one??
When my wife first came to America the first discrepency we had was over me and my son wearing outside shoes in the house, since in Russia it is a cultural thing about wearing shoes in the house, and of course here in America most people just march right in from outside with the same shoes and wear them inside, so that is one cultural thing we had to deal with, needless to say my wife won out since she's the one that does most of the floor cleaning,,, I hate cleaning floors:heat:

One of my students asked me about this the other day. She was surprised that most Americans don't take off their shoes and just track the outside dirt into their homes. But as we were talking about it, I realized that a number of my American friends actually DO have a policy of removing shoes at the door. Not most, but some. And they've never been overseas - they just decided that it made sense rather than cleaning the floors as much.

It's been a little more natural for me, because I first picked up the habit when I lived in Japan. Here, a good pair of slippers is a must. I just trashed m old pair and need to replace them. I have ten pair of guest slippers, but most of them are sized for the many girls who come to visit.

[itismeob]

You guys are really lucky to have found each other!!

Yes it is true. Nothing need change for life together

[brown-raider]

One of my students asked me about this the other day. She was surprised that most Americans don't take off their shoes and just track the outside dirt into their homes. But as we were talking about it, I realized that a number of my American friends actually DO have a policy of removing shoes at the door. Not most, but some. And they've never been overseas - they just decided that it made sense rather than cleaning the floors as much.

It's been a little more natural for me, because I first picked up the habit when I lived in Japan. Here, a good pair of slippers is a must. I just trashed m old pair and need to replace them. I have ten pair of guest slippers, but most of them are sized for the many girls who come to visit. lucky you for all the lady visitors:yu:

[brown-raider]

I think one thing that has been a plus in our marriage is that since I am much older than my wife,I am mature enough not to want to squabbel about petty things, life is much too short for that... when I married before in my early twenty's me and my ex seemed to always have a power struggle going..... it's funny how even though there is an age gap between me and my wife and even though we grew up in 2 different worlds, yet we have alot in common and want the same things in life that make us happy...

[Voobrazheniye]

I think one thing that has been a plus in our marriage is that since I am much older than my wife,I am mature enough not to want to squabbel about petty things, life is much too short for that... when I married before in my early twenty's me and my ex seemed to always have a power struggle going..... it's funny how even though there is an age gap between me and my wife and even though we grew up in 2 different worlds, yet we have alot in common and want the same things in life that make us happy...

I guess that's a good testimonial for the "May-December" marriage thing. There was a guy here who was forever trying to make the case for his explicit desire for a 20-something wife. Don't remember his name, but I'm sure he'd enjoy your sentiment.

Seriously though, I think there is something to be said for how a bit of age can add patience to a person's character. I can't speak for women in this matter, of course, but I do think this is especially true for men. I've seen this in myself and in a number of acquaintences.

It's a good quality.

[Voobrazheniye]

It seems to me that the biggest problems stem from two basic sources: personal habits and the feeling of personal territory. I'll save personal habits for another time.

When someone moves in with you, he or she is entering your territory. You have things the way you like them - in the kitchen, the closets, the bathroom, etc. You can try to explain to the newcomer how you've arranged things, and usually we say things like, "of course I want you to feel comfortable, so if we have to rearrange something, it's ok." But in almost every case, the disruption of a new person into your territory causes some discomfort.

When you move in with someone, you realize that you have entered another person's territory, another person's space. You don't have your own space any longer. You don't want to "violate" the other person's arrangements, etc., but you do want some things to be the way that makes you feel comfortable. You can feel displaced, like you don't have your own home. It can make you feel quite uncomfortable, at least for a while.

It's difficult to work these territorial differences out. And a lot of it really depends on the personalities of the two people. Maybe age plays a factor as well.

A friend of mine in Denver (a Russian immigrant) got engaged four years ago. They were both around 40 at the time. A year later, they still hadn't set a date for the wedding. When I asked Sasha about that, she told me that she wasn't in a hurry because she sort of like how things were at the time.

"I have my house, and he has his," she said. "I have my own space, and after we spend time together, I always know I can come home to my own place. Once we get married, I won't have that any more."

They got over it and got married last year. But instead of moving into her house or hers, they sold their houses and bought a new one.

So what do you think? How can you overcome the problems of territory when moving in with someone? Is the only real answer to just get a new place?

[Calibret]

Have you ever been in jail? Try living with some of the jokers you
find in there. It's not fun.:threaten:
After about 5 years my wife's little quirks started to drive me nuts.
Hey, when the sex was good I could tolerate it but that don't last
for long either.
I have not liived with another person for 5 years and I have doubts
that I ever will. Too much irritation for me.

[Voobrazheniye]

I decided to come back to this topic for a moment. When two people move in together, into whose place should they move? His or hers?

Assuming they both have their own places, which of them should give up his or her personal space and move into the other place? What factors should decide?

[CMM7]

My Swiss girl friend,(ex now), decided to live together, at the cabin in Colorado, I just let her take over, to kinda help with the cultural shock and all, when we moved to Switzerland,(planed to live in both places), into her place it was like it was 'her" place and she gave me space, for my "stuff", but was always a little ill at ease there, plus her mother lived with us, and she was very strange, and caused some issues between us, after 2 months I realized I did not like to live there, was never going to speak Swiss German to anyone's satisfaction, and could not legally work there. I suggested we move back to US. wrong move, I flew back a week later, and now we are just friends. At the time I was 54, she 38. that never seemed to have a effect at all, she just did not want to live in US, to big, not home to her, she had good English, and made friends, great personality, and we always had a blast together,(well, except for her "dark" moods). She said she never felt comfortable here, but loved the cabin.