The real horoscope forcasts (from theonion.com)

[fbibob]

(Just a few favorites for the week)

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Red-bellied trout are known for traveling halfway across the country in search of a mate, but it's still a bit of a surprise when hundreds of them arrive at your doorstep.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a !!!!-up like you.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
More and more, you're beginning to suspect you're just around to help move the plot forward.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Remember to count your blessings this week, as it's the last time you'll be able to perform mental arithmetic for months to come.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that's definitely going to hurt.

Libra
Love is like a butterfly. Hold it too tight and you'll crush it. Hold it too loose and it'll end up !!!!ing your best friend.

Sagittarius
You and your partner will once again argue over money in bed, but then that's what you get for not agreeing to a price beforehand.

[colomoda]

[COLOR="Blue"](Just a few favorites for the week)

Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a !!!!-up like you.
[COLOR]

lol wonder what kind of help I ask Liz from Bogota this week :p

[krevedko]

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that's definitely going to hurt.


:eek: :faint: :crybaby:

I don't like this horoscope :becky:
I'll confirm (or preferably, disprove) its correctness to you next week, provided I survive, of course. :becky:

[fbibob]

:eek: :faint: :crybaby:

I don't like this horoscope :becky:
I'll confirm (or preferably, disprove) its correctness to you next week, provided I survive, of course. :becky:

As a fellow fishy, I hope to be here to hear your confirmation.

[huney]

(Just a few favorites for the week)

Leo July 23 - August 22
Don't be afraid to ask loved ones for help this week. After all, they expect nothing less from a !!!!-up like you.

HEEELLLPPPP!!!

[kentuckydan]

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Sadly, nobody will believe you when you try to explain what happened at this week's Liars Anonymous meeting.

I can think of one or two here, who might think my horoscope fits

[kentuckydan]

Your Horoscope (http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/sep-18-2007)


Probably NOT a good idea to post Libra here :rolleyes:

at least not the one on this Onion.com page

[krevedko]

Your Horoscope (http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/sep-18-2007)

Probably NOT a good idea to post Libra here :rolleyes:

at least not the one on this Onion.com page

:megalol: Pisces February 19 - March 20

While many condemn you for choosing to get an abortion, the personal courage you showed in making the difficult decision would likely have made your son or daughter very proud. :becky::becky:

Seems false to me. I wouldn't chose to have an abortion and miss the opportunity to become famous for the second occurence of Immaculate Conception in the history of humanity. :becky:

[huney]

Leo July 23 - August 22

Your stress-management technique of taking long, deep breaths will prove disastrous when a riptide drags you underwater this week.

Why are they always picking on ME??? :Cry:

[fbibob]

Your Birthday Today
God will soon appear to you in a dream, though He'll mostly just stand in the corner and choose to watch.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.


Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
All of the evidence will soon point to you, as will all of the witnesses, each and every one of the jurors, and most of the screaming chimpanzees.


Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll be awarded the Nobel Prize For Not Paying Attention And Letting The Damn Rice Burn Again this week.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll finally experience true and unconditional love this week, thanks to a partially open window shade.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll popularize a strange, but nonetheless memorable catchphrase this week after being accidentally set on fire.

[fbibob]

A few more:

Gemini; Yes, there's something growing inside of you, and yes, it's going to completely change your life, but nine months is being optimistic to say the least.

September 2, 2008
Cancer: The inaccuracy of your last 17 horoscopes finally leads you to a inescapable conclusion: You are actually a Libra.

August 26, 2008
Leo; Friends will soon think of you every time a gasoline truck crashes into the side of a burning building.

Pisces; February 19 - March 20
You may not be a marine biologist, or some leading whale expert, but you're pretty sure that's a blowhole you got there.

[onetouch]

and where is the rest of the Horoscope?:lol::yo:

[fbibob]

onetouch......I am just posting a few of my favorites. Go to http://www.theonion.com/content/horoscope/oct-21-2008 for any signs I may have missed.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
Cigarettes will continue to take a toll on your health this week when you're traded back and forth for packs of them.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
The stars apologize for last week's prediction of untold fame and fortune. They keep forgetting that you actually believe in this crap.

Libra September 23 - October 23
You'll fall to your knees this week and beg God for forgiveness. Then it's right back to what you were doing on your knees in the first place.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it's pretty much all tumors.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars blah blah blah exciting life changes blah blah blah night journey over water blah blah blah it'll be born with three fingers.

Taurus When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.

Libra Your wildest dreams are about to come true, much to the horror of your high-school gym teacher, several large pumpkins, and a pair of bedroom handcuffs.

[fbibob]

Leo July 23 - August 22
God will appear to you in a dream and tell you that loving you is the part of His job He hates the most.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Years of enduring the constant, numbing pain of existence will end this week when you discover "whiskey," a magical drink that makes your problems disappear.

Libra September 23 - October 23
Sometimes in life, you have to put your fear aside and stand up for what you believe in. Thankfully for you, this isn't one of those times.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
You've never much cared for appearances. Still, you're beginning to wonder why everyone else is wearing a HAZMAT suit.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The little voice inside your head will be powerless to stop the barrage of Q-tips this week.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
By the end of the week, you'll be the nation's foremost expert on muskrat attacks, industrial glue mishaps, and rare Egyptian curses.

[huney]

Gee, thanks.

http://www.mystarpet.com.au/images/leo_sign.png

[fbibob]

Don't worry: loving you is easy for the rest of us.

[fbibob]

Aries March 21 - April 19
They say that a little hard work and perseverance never killed anyone, but you and your trusty knife are about to prove them wrong.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
Remember: It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then, it's a challenging scavenger hunt.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Bringing a child into the world might seem cruel to you, but you're going to have to let him out of the basement at some point.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Late summer is a good time for you to step back and take stock of your life. Coincidentally, early fall is a good time to explore dignified methods of suicide.
(sorry, Huney)

Gemini May 21 - June 21
If you knew what was coming, you wouldn't be wasting valuable time reading your horoscope.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'll soon have a hit country music song on your hands, no matter how many times you try to scrub it off.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
When all is said and done, only you can make yourself feel bad. But that won't keep everyone else from trying.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Buy yourself some extremely long bed sheets. You'll be making an escape rope out of them very soon.

Libra September 23 - October 23
Doctors caution that you cause extreme negative reactions—including rashes, vomiting, and hysteria—in women who may become pregnant.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.

[huney]

Okay. I get the message.

Drowning it is.

[IamKeenan]

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Beneath your tough exterior lies a sweet and sensitive human being. Beneath that, however, it's pretty much all tumors.:eek::yield:

[fbibob]

Leo July 23 - August 22
The shoe will be on the other foot this week, leading to severe discomfort, unflagging embarrassment, and a sudden spill down the living room stairs.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Turns out you have no discernible talent for gardening, and your green thumb is just a ghastly bacterial infection.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
A turkey baster, some trusty twine, and a can of cranberry sauce will figure heavily in the weeks to come. Although it's artificial insemination and not Thanksgiving you should prepare for.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Darkness will soon surround you, and a deep chill will run down your spine, all of which makes sense, since you've forgotten to pay both your heating and electricity bills.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You'll struggle to find a sympathetic ear this week when the FDA lowers its recommended daily intake of your goddamn bullshit.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
A caped crusader will swoop in this Thursday, order several brutes to unhand you, and become the victim of one of the worst homophobic beatings in U.S. history.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Light from the constellation Scorpio has traveled for millions of years through the interstellar void to tell you to begin a new diet this week.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll finally get a taste of your own medicine this week, which is unfortunate, as you're the nation's leading supplier of horse laxatives.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
You're not the type of person who gives up easily, forcing SWAT team officers to burst in through the skylight and aim for the head.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
There's nothing quite like the love of a real woman. Then again, if the plaster sets properly and the paint dries evenly, you'll have the next best thing.

Aries March 21 - April 19
This coming week is a good time for Aries to explore different career options, which, with your skill set, should leave Tuesday through Sunday wide open.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Doctors will diagnose you with a new strain of tuberculosis this week, or "Poor Unsuspecting Bastard's Disease" as it'll come to be known.

[fbibob]

(Sorry, Huney; the stars do not seem to like you.)

[huney]

They can join the queue.

Sorry, I am a tad cranky after that tumble down the stairs.

[fbibob]

Aries March 21 - April 19
Get back to the basics of family this week. Have your mother feed, bathe, and change you.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
You will realize you've become part of the problem when you board a train that leaves Philadelphia at noon traveling 45 miles an hour.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
It may seem like it's all wrapped up neatly, but admit it: You still have no idea who killed the chauffeur.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Thursday will usher in a new era of love and prosperity for Cancer, which is only fair considering what happens Friday.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Some things just go together perfectly, but no one would've believed it was true about cocaine and rhinos until you came along.

Libra September 23 - October 23
Though Boyle's Third Law is certainly important, you don't need to apply it to every situation you encounter.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You've always been a lightning rod for controversy, but it gets worse when you become an actual lightning rod.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Unfortunately, your grandmother isn't smiling down on you from her new home in heaven. She is, however, shrieking up at you from where she is.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.

Good news: Huney finally does not get hurt by her horoscope!

[krevedko]

Pisces February 19 - March 20
Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.

Good news: Huney finally does not get hurt by her horoscope!

Of course she doesn't. This time it's poor Krevedko that takes the blow
:( :crutch::deadhorse:

[fbibob]

Aries March 21 - April 19
Running away from your problems will fail this week, as will climbing out of your problems' reach, and playing dead in hopes that your problems go away.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
Your passionate lovemaking will wake up the neighbors this week, making it a lot harder for you to have sex with them.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
All you'll want for Christmas are your two front teeth, along with your four bottom incisors, the six molars at the back of your mouth, and whatever other bicuspids are missing.

Leo July 23 - August 22
This week join your favorite astrological sign for all the classic predictions you've come to love in Leo: A Star Is Born.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your face will soon be on the cover of every newspaper in town, thanks to a rather gruesome printing-press accident.

Libra September 23 - October 23
They say that you're going blind, that your vision is rapidly deteriorating, but don't worry: They are just a coat rack and hat.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Frustration will be yours this week when an airliner spirals out-of-control and crashes into the ground every time you're about to speak.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Don't let other people influence your future. That's what a vague and arbitrary set of cosmic indicators is for.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You'll discover the secret of fire this week—namely that it can make your ex-wife pay for everything she's done to you.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
When given a choice between tuna salad or egg salad this week, go with the egg salad. Just trust the stars on this one.

OK, this time Huney and Krevedko both get off light. The incantations must be working.

[huney]

Leo July 23 - August 22
This week join your favorite astrological sign for all the classic predictions you've come to love in Leo: A Star Is Born.

OK, this time Huney and Krevedko both get off light. The incantations must be working.

Bob - whatever it is you are doing...keep doing it!

http://objsam.files.wordpress.com/2008/04/nebula_rcw49_04lrg.jpg

[fbibob]

It's that time again!

Your Birthday Today
The stars indicate that you should live every day as though it were your last. Especially this coming Thursday.

Aries March 21 - April 19
There's no good excuse for what you're about to do. Then again, claiming that you wanted to see if the chainsaw still worked is a particularly bad one.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
It's never easy to hear that you're going blind, especially since it also means that you're going deaf.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Much to your dismay, that asshole Dave will continue strutting around the office like he owns the place.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Eyewitness accounts are notoriously unreliable, but dozens will nonetheless swear that the hippo seemed to be participating of its own free will.

Libra September 23 - October 23
Remember: You can't always just throw money at your problems. Sometimes you need to slowly hand money over to your problems.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You won't be caught dead in that hideous dress, but that's only because it'll be used to cut off your circulation.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
An attempt to get your life in order will fail this week, thanks to a series of space/time paradoxes.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Despite repeated warnings from authority figures over the years, a strong wind will once and for all leave your face that way.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.

[huney]

Thank goodness I work from home. No Dave here! :becky:

[bobbyd]

Nothing for Cancer?

[Lucker]

Not really .
Once you have that , you are History

[Hoopy]

Nothing for Cancer?
Here something for cancer

Asbestos

http://www.familyenvironmental.com/pics/asbestos%20fibrous%20chrysotile.jpg

Cigarettes

http://www.drugs.ie/fs/img/drugs/ciggies.jpg

Nuclear bomb

http://lekowicz.com/wren_forum/wp-content/imageposts/2007/11/mushroom-cloud.jpg

Hope one of them helps you :becky:

[fbibob]

Nothing for Cancer?

Cancer June 22 - July 22
A jolly old man will slide down your chimney this Christmas Eve, open his big red bag, and take you for everything you've got.

Sorry.

[fbibob]

It's a new week!

Aries March 21 - April 19
The stars foresee the start of a beautiful, fulfilling, and life-affirming romance in 2009. Now please, for the love of God, just leave the stars alone.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
Surprise will be yours this year when April Showers bring May Giant Flying Skulls That Breathe Out Fire.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
You'll be forced to baby-proof your home in the months to come, though that won't stop the wily infants from getting back in.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
Yes, there will be a period of adjustment, and yes, there will be a lot to accept, but don't worry: By the end of the year, those antlers will seem commonplace.

Leo July 23 - August 22
You'll go peacefully in your sleep this February, forcing disgusted nurses to once again change the sheets.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Due to economic pressures and a floundering fortune-telling market, Virgo will be forced to shut down operations in 2009. Please direct yourself to some tea leaves for any future predictions.

Libra September 23 - October 23
The Hands Of Fate will soon intervene, making a whacking-off motion every time you begin to speak.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Everyone will realize what a wonderful person you are in 2009 - The International Year of Mean-Spirited Sarcasm.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Those last 10 pounds will melt away just in time for summer, or, as doctors will call it, "Stage 3."

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
Financial security and personal independence are just around the corner. Unfortunately for you, it's the corner filled with scantily dressed women.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate it.

Another bad horoscope for Huney. But the stars tell it like they see it.

[krevedko]

and stars are totally ignoring Pisces :crybaby:

[fbibob]

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns.



oops. Kind of makes you miss being ignored.

[krevedko]

:eek: I wish the stars kept ignoring the Pisces :becky::becky:

[statajack]

and stars are totally ignoring Pisces :crybaby:

You're a fish......... you've been eaten already :becky:........ so no need for a horoscope. :becky:

[fbibob]

Sorry I have been away: here is the latest for you horoscope types.

Aries March 21 - April 19
Your shortness of breath and wild fainting spells will be cured this week, thanks to a series of well-placed commas.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones, though it's your habit of cooking naked that's really pissing the neighbors off.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
The stars apologize for last week's prediction of "money problems." Looks like they forgot the "k" in there.

Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.

Leo July 23 - August 22
The stars foresee a second job promotion in the days to come, though they should probably be telling Dave about it instead of you.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
Your creativity will be at an all-time high today, much to the dismay of your wife, the vacuum-cleaner salesman, and the dozen or so poodles.

Libra September 23 - October 23
Text "LIBRA" now for your chance to enter our weekly Astrological Giveaway! (Contest void in Hawaii, Alaska, and the binary star system of Alpha Centauri.)

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
You're no art expert, but you know what you like, which explains all the meatball sandwiches hanging on your walls.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Things will look up this week, before bearing their teeth, rearing up on their hind legs, and suddenly leaping at your throat.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
You may not be a wealthy man, or a rich man, or even a prosperous man, but then, you do have a mastery of English-language synonyms.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you'll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as "it" involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.

[belano4ka]

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as "it" involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.

I better stay away from the bushes :eek:

[bobbyd]

after two days of discussing sex tourists, AIDs and blood tranfusions, what are the odds that my horoscope would say this:

Cancer June 22 - July 22
You'll soon possess the courage of 10 men, and the sexually transmitted diseases of about 50.

I now believe in the Onion

[huney]

I still want to know who Dave is!

Where is he and does he have a job?

[fbibob]

Dave is the guy at work that is getting your promotion. Kick his ass.

[huney]

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

[fbibob]

Here's the latest.

Aries March 21 - April 19
This week try wearing less make-up when you leave the house, even if it means angering the other members of KISS.

Taurus April 20 - May 20
While being a good friend means telling the truth, you'll soon realize that being a true friend means keeping your mouth shut.

Gemini May 21 - June 21
E.B. White always believed that punctuation should be used sparingly. But then, E.B. White was—let's face it—a "pompous !!!!."

Cancer June 22 - July 22
If you pledge to Cancer at the $50 membership level, not only will you be supporting quality predictions in the future, but you'll also receive this handsome Cancer tote bag.

Leo July 23 - August 22
Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.

Virgo August 23 - September 22
You've never really thought of yourself as a cat-person, but the splicing, trans-binding, and DNA re-sequencing will soon change all of that.

Libra September 23 - October 23
The rise of Jupiter in your sign can only mean one thing! Let the stars know what it is once you look it up.

Scorpio October 24 - November 21
Success is often difficult to define, though for you, it pretty much boils down to filling that cup with clean urine.

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
When life seems grim, and all hope is but a distant memory, why not try weeping uncontrollably in the shower? After all, it works for your husband.

Capricorn December 22 - January 19
The stars !!!!ing give up—if you want another slice of blueberry pie, just go ahead and have another slice of blueberry pie.

Aquarius January 20 - February 18
Sure, a spoon full of sugar may make the medicine go down, but if it's suppositories you're struggling with, the spoon isn't going to help.

Pisces February 19 - March 20
You'll be forced to undergo surgery to remove the lump from your throat. Though it's becoming a woman and not cancer of the larynx that will send you to the hospital.

[ashytoo]

I was born on the cusp of Aquarius and Pisces



Pisces February 19 - March 20
The stars indicate that—hoo, boy—that's definitely going to hurt.
You'll wake up to find a lump of coal in your Christmas stocking. Also, you'll wake up to find that the stars have a difficult time informing people of testicular cancer.
When given a choice between tuna salad or egg salad this week, go with the egg salad. Just trust the stars on this one.
You'll be reunited with an old flame this August, leaving the other 40 percent of your chest covered in burns.
You'll do it for the children this week, which is really too bad, as "it" involves exposing yourself behind some bushes.
Your desiccated remains will be found on a desert island along with an empty water bottle, three emergency ration packages, and the exact right CD for the occasion.
Aquarius January 20 - February 18
The stars indicate that you have no impulse control, which explains why you're already on the other side of the room eating cake.
A fresh start awaits Aquarius in the months to come, though truth be told, you'll lack the mental faculties to really appreciate it.
If you've ever regretted not pursuing a career in bullfighting, this week may bring an accidental chance to start over.
It may seem like torture to you now, but one day you'll thank your parents for ripping off those fingernails.
A car accident this week will leave you in a wheelchair. Sadly, a car accident next week will knock you out of one.

Boy am I foooked!!

[huney]

Leo July 23 - August 22
Remember: It's all a matter of perspective. See how your crippling finances look from atop that hill.
How can I see from the top of a hill I'm buried under?

Once... just once... could I PLEASE be on top!

:yield::yield::yield:

[fbibob]

Once... just once... could I PLEASE be on top!

I am too much of a gentelman to pick up the obvious line here.

Could one of you guys with fewer scruples help me out here??

[ashytoo]

you started it..............

[huney]

I am too much of a gentelman to pick up the obvious line here.

Could one of you guys with fewer scruples help me out here??


Come on guys - show a little creativity.... please.

[fbibob]

Sorry, Huney; maybe there are more decent men here than we thought. Oh, well; here is another batch.

Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
All of your questions will soon be answered, including what's that noise, who turned off all the lights, and why—why won't it stop feeding on us.
Taurus Apr 20 - May 20
You always knew your girlfriend was going to be high-maintenance. Still, never did you imagine you'd be replacing the internal combustion engine by yourself.
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
They say you love money more than anything else in the world, but then, they've never seen you around a stack of pancakes.
Cancer Jun 22 - Jul 22
Be sure to choose your words carefully this week as you've only got about seven of them left.
Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.
Virgo Aug 23 - Sep 22
The thought of an invisible man who lives above the clouds and judges all of mankind might seem silly to you, but, hey, that's Greg.
Libra Sep 23 - Oct 23
You'll soon see yourself in a whole new light, which is too bad, as it's the kind police investigators use to check for semen stains.
Scorpio Oct 24 - Nov 21
The stars indicate professional success in the days to come, though it's quite difficult for them to keep a straight face during it.
Sagittarius Nov 22 - Dec 21
It might not be today, and it might not be tomorrow, but you'll soon come to regret staging a pie-eating contest to select a new wife.
Capricorn Dec 22 - Jan 19
Journey to the past this week by realizing that things are pretty much the same miserable way they've always been.
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18
You're about to give birth to one of life's greatest miracles. Unfortunately for you, it's the one with the multiplying loaves and fishes.
Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20
The old public-speaking trick of imagining the audience naked has served you well in the past, but that was before you had to give a talk to a room full of burn survivors.

[huney]

Sorry, Huney; maybe there are more decent men here than we thought. Oh, well; here is another batch.

They certainly had me fooled.



Leo Jul 23 - Aug 22
When you were born they threw away the mold. Also, they threw away the glass womb, the intravenous feeding tubes, the contaminated petri dishes, and most of the funding.


You know you could have stopped at the part about throwing away the mold.

And funding has always been a challenge. I don't know why you bother mentioning it...