Neilikka
09-19-2008, 04:38 AM
I was dreaming to move away from my parents and start "real" life since I was 14, but when it happened that "real" life turned into real hell.
The first reason for my despair involved the domestic part of my situation - I was experienced neither in cooking nor in washing dishes. The second reason was the lack of control that I needed at 17 - that lack of control kept me awake until 1 p.m., causing me to be late for most of my lectures. The third reason was simple. Although I always had someone to party with, I didn't have anyone to have a nice conversation with, or just to watch a nice family movie with on a cozy coach. I needed someone who could fill my need of having a close, understanding person next to me.
That close person soon appeared, and though I was hoping that this person would be a man, it was a girl. Lera was a fellow student at my university. We smoked the same amount of cigarettes per day and had the same sense of humor. Lera always had problems (when I say "problems," I mean real problems) in her family, especially due to her mother's strange attitude to her. We could drink a bottle of champagne on Monday morning and then sit and read Tsvetayeva on Friday night. I was definitely the virtuous part of that union; Lera was the opposite - sinful. The funniest thing here was that we chose our roles ourselves.
At first it all seemed quite funny. We loved the freedom we had thanks to my dad's money and our young age. If something went wrong, it was a tragedy, if things went better, that brought us real euphoric happiness. In fact, we just burnt our lives, but what else is there to do with your life when you're only 18?
Day by day Lera and I literally started to depend on each other. The balance between our private time and the time we spent talking, walking and smoking was eliminated. When we lost contact somehow, the need to see each other turned into drug addiction. We were eager to share everything, but it all was about ruining each other's lives. When she had a chance to stabilize her relationships with her mother or sister, she was afraid of another scandal and she ran to me as it was the easiest thing to do. When I had a chance to improve my studying or to start trying to live alone with no need for somebody next to me, as a rule I called Lera and we went to a café.
Our friendship was not some cooperation or supportive thing as it's supposed to be. It all looked like both of us were trying to hide behind each other's backs. Why? Both of us liked living in an illusionary world where both of us were worthy of something. The truth was that we were afraid to grow up - to become responsible for our own lives. Lera sometimes got drunk and cried on my shoulder. Truth be told, I liked to sit opposite her and go into details about some unlucky relationship with some guy. It all made us talk about our problems more then actually do something to solve them.
Psychologists call this addiction a crowd symptom, based on the lack of self-sufficiency which is based on a self-preservation instinct, which strangely may affect us in an opposite way - making something stupid but commonly accepted a way to be for those who are afraid to think.
I would also compare this kind of addiction to smoking, as I had the same feelings when Lera and I stopped being friends and when I quit smoking.
When I had to get rid of that pleasant bad habit it became a bit harder for me to write. Not long ago, I learned that this can be scientifically proved as nicotine stimulates your brain work and gives you a moment of so-called "clear view" which makes you think faster and be more inspired while doing something artistic. But scientists also say you should always remember of another side of smoking - and there is this big another side with all its cancer and bad skin and black teeth. Maybe this choice you have to make between your health and your inspiration skills is this choice that shows you're an adult, a person responsible for his actions? When I stopped hiding behind a cigarette making all my hair and cloth smell with tobacco but feeling myself confident and inspired, I faced the reality with no ability to hide behind a burning stick that spoiled my lungs.
So it seems that as soon as you start to realize the amount of consequences of anything you do - that means you don't need very close friends anymore.
By Anna Ozar
The first reason for my despair involved the domestic part of my situation - I was experienced neither in cooking nor in washing dishes. The second reason was the lack of control that I needed at 17 - that lack of control kept me awake until 1 p.m., causing me to be late for most of my lectures. The third reason was simple. Although I always had someone to party with, I didn't have anyone to have a nice conversation with, or just to watch a nice family movie with on a cozy coach. I needed someone who could fill my need of having a close, understanding person next to me.
That close person soon appeared, and though I was hoping that this person would be a man, it was a girl. Lera was a fellow student at my university. We smoked the same amount of cigarettes per day and had the same sense of humor. Lera always had problems (when I say "problems," I mean real problems) in her family, especially due to her mother's strange attitude to her. We could drink a bottle of champagne on Monday morning and then sit and read Tsvetayeva on Friday night. I was definitely the virtuous part of that union; Lera was the opposite - sinful. The funniest thing here was that we chose our roles ourselves.
At first it all seemed quite funny. We loved the freedom we had thanks to my dad's money and our young age. If something went wrong, it was a tragedy, if things went better, that brought us real euphoric happiness. In fact, we just burnt our lives, but what else is there to do with your life when you're only 18?
Day by day Lera and I literally started to depend on each other. The balance between our private time and the time we spent talking, walking and smoking was eliminated. When we lost contact somehow, the need to see each other turned into drug addiction. We were eager to share everything, but it all was about ruining each other's lives. When she had a chance to stabilize her relationships with her mother or sister, she was afraid of another scandal and she ran to me as it was the easiest thing to do. When I had a chance to improve my studying or to start trying to live alone with no need for somebody next to me, as a rule I called Lera and we went to a café.
Our friendship was not some cooperation or supportive thing as it's supposed to be. It all looked like both of us were trying to hide behind each other's backs. Why? Both of us liked living in an illusionary world where both of us were worthy of something. The truth was that we were afraid to grow up - to become responsible for our own lives. Lera sometimes got drunk and cried on my shoulder. Truth be told, I liked to sit opposite her and go into details about some unlucky relationship with some guy. It all made us talk about our problems more then actually do something to solve them.
Psychologists call this addiction a crowd symptom, based on the lack of self-sufficiency which is based on a self-preservation instinct, which strangely may affect us in an opposite way - making something stupid but commonly accepted a way to be for those who are afraid to think.
I would also compare this kind of addiction to smoking, as I had the same feelings when Lera and I stopped being friends and when I quit smoking.
When I had to get rid of that pleasant bad habit it became a bit harder for me to write. Not long ago, I learned that this can be scientifically proved as nicotine stimulates your brain work and gives you a moment of so-called "clear view" which makes you think faster and be more inspired while doing something artistic. But scientists also say you should always remember of another side of smoking - and there is this big another side with all its cancer and bad skin and black teeth. Maybe this choice you have to make between your health and your inspiration skills is this choice that shows you're an adult, a person responsible for his actions? When I stopped hiding behind a cigarette making all my hair and cloth smell with tobacco but feeling myself confident and inspired, I faced the reality with no ability to hide behind a burning stick that spoiled my lungs.
So it seems that as soon as you start to realize the amount of consequences of anything you do - that means you don't need very close friends anymore.
By Anna Ozar