When to give up?

[Sveta's Hero]

Hypothetical question. Say you are interested in someone that you have been communicating with for a while, and even have some feelings for them. You think they feel the same, but then they begin to act differently and cold towards you. What do you do? Continue to pursue, Just give up and move on, or ask them why they suddenly changed?

[IamKeenan]

Hypothetical question. Say you are interested in someone that you have been communicating with for a while, and even have some feelings for them. You think they feel the same, but then they begin to act differently and cold towards you. What do you do? Continue to pursue, Just give up and move on, or ask them why they suddenly changed?

Ask them why they changed and if the answer is cold or not what you wanted to hear-- I would hit the road because just in Ukraine alone there are 10 million more women than Men. So your Choices are endless:plane:

[Crushik]

When to give up?

Never :) Maybe someone waits for a some acts :p but in reply- just silent
If something is wrong like you thinks - just ask that person what is a reason of all :)

[bryangriffiths]

well lets see , i am phone in just this case this weekend because i havent heard from them in some time, but its not the first time its has happened, that communication became difficult , once when she was terribly sick another time main communcations cable had been damaged , but i have cell number and home phone number to ask such questions .

[rainy-day]

Hypothetical question. Say you are interested in someone that you have been communicating with for a while, and even have some feelings for them. You think they feel the same, but then they begin to act differently and cold towards you. What do you do? Continue to pursue, Just give up and move on, or ask them why they suddenly changed?

usually when we get involved with someone more than on surface, we start to "see" things, they doesn't exist actually. good things and also bad things.

this coldness can be seen only by you, but the best thing to do, to calm down the devils is to ask her. to tell her what's in your mind and to enlight you.

it is frustrating to wonder what is going on, to be in the clounds all the time. ask her what is going on and then you'll know what you have to do.

good luck, my friend :*

[Sveta's Hero]

Thanks Alex, but it was a hypothetical question.;):p

[alenika]

Ask them why they changed and if the answer is cold or not what you wanted to hear-- I would hit the road because just in Ukraine alone there are 10 million more women than Men. So your Choices are endless:plane: That's why all men her ein LL seek their women for years :becky: good relationship is not about numbers and choices.

[IamKeenan]

Thanks Alex, but it was a hypothetical question.;):p



And hypotheticaly wasting time with someone got real old years ago. I'm all for sticking it out and learning about one another But I have been in your hypothetical question and I am able to give a few chances but man, it's time to go if things look bleek. They can play with someone that has that type of interest but not me brother:becky:

[IamKeenan]

That's why all men her ein LL seek their women for years :becky: good relationship is not about numbers and choices.

No it is about finding the right one and if it takes years then so be it!!!;)

[Sveta's Hero]

That's why all men her ein LL seek their women for years :becky: good relationship is not about numbers and choices.

But maybe it takes some years to find the right one. Some are lucky and find the right one in just a few months, or sometimes less.

[Lonewolf74]

Hypothetical question. Say you are interested in someone that you have been communicating with for a while, and even have some feelings for them. You think they feel the same, but then they begin to act differently and cold towards you. What do you do? Continue to pursue, Just give up and move on, or ask them why they suddenly changed?

Funny I have been wondering that myself the past few days.
I would say that above all it depends on the person's character and eventually maturity level
However how can you be so sure that the other person has the same feelings towards you? I always found that difficult to access through chat or email unless clearly stated otherwise.
In what comes to the suddently cold behaviour...I would ask and would expect a direct and sincere answer, which not always happens.
So rationally I would think it maybe would be better to forget before the whole situation drags you down... but of course...I am only partially rational regarding this issues... :becky:

V

[jimsan]

I think if you have been hurt in the past or let down in some way then you may feel a little insecure and begin to see things that are not there.
Sometimes you may think this is too good to be true and even if things are going well you still see little things that your insecurity makes grow into bigger things, you create problems where none really exist.

On the other hand, people sometimes simply change their mind and decide that this relationship is not what they really wanted, it happens.

Would I give up ?
well, it's difficult to answer such a question because it depends on so many things.

[Voobrazheniye]

Don't ask me! By rights, I should have given up long ago, but I never do. I get pushed to what I think is the breaking point, but I haven't yet given up. Hot and cold, hot and cold, hot and cold. But to be honest, after the latest cold, I think I may finally be ready to walk away from it. Who knows? Maybe it's just talk (as usual).

But I will say that it is all about communication. Everything is about communication. If you have it, and if you are unafraid, you can ask about what seems to be a "change" in the other person's attitude. This gives the other person a chance to speak up honestly if there is something bothering her or him. When given that chance, the person should take it and also try to resolve the problem. That is what communication is all about. But it takes TWO to really have communication.

I am reminded about a saying that I have used in the past...

"It takes TWO people to make a relationship work, but it only takes ONE to make it fail."

[1amongmany]

always seek the answer to the questions in your mind....the most powerful evil in a relationship is uncertainty

[jimsan]

Well my friend, I hope you never give up or lose hope.
I am one who knows all about disappointment and despair and I will admit there were a few times when I was sick and tired of it all.
But I never really lost hope and I never gave up and now my patience seems to have been rewarded.
Maybe take a break from it but NEVER lose hope !!

[alenika]

But maybe it takes some years to find the right one. Some are lucky and find the right one in just a few months, or sometimes less. That's exactly what I meant when wrote that it's not numbers or choices which result in good relationship. That is, the argument - there are a couple more millions of other beautiful women in Ukraine is not reasonable for finding the soulmate.

[IamKeenan]

That's exactly what I meant when wrote that it's not numbers or choices which result in good relationship. That is, the argument - there are a couple more millions of other beautiful women in Ukraine is not reasonable for finding the soulmate.


hahah It is funny how you put your own twist to my words. So let me TRY and explain AGAIN .. When someone is cold and dont want you.(or whatever) It should not be a big deal it is time to move on--Dont tell me you have never heard the Expression ''There are more fish in the sea'' SO why sit and pine over someone that does not want you? It is so easy to grasp. :yo::confused:

[1amongmany]

and if a man gives up quickly and easily on a woman that proves he is not the man she is looking for

[katrin-78]

I will wait a little and keep an eye. And then will make desision what to do. Usually actions can tell more about person then his (her) words. So I will ask nothing just wait and if I will see smth strange really strange again and again, I will give up.

[IamKeenan]

and if a man gives up quickly and easily on a woman that proves he is not the man she is looking for


That is a 2 way street or are you still wearing rose colored glasses??:becky:

[1amongmany]

That is a 2 way street or are you still wearing rose colored glasses??:becky:

of course it is a two way street....you never gave me my rose colored glasses back

[IamKeenan]

of course it is a two way street....you never gave me my rose colored glasses back

I gave all the Russian Girls a Pair!!!:becky::plane::yo:

[alenika]

hahah It is funny how you put your own twist to my words. So let me TRY and explain AGAIN .. When someone is cold and dont want you.(or whatever) It should not be a big deal it is time to move on--Dont tell me you have never heard the Expression ''There are more fish in the sea'' SO why sit and pine over someone that does not want you? It is so easy to grasp. :yo::confused: Yes, some people move on very easily.
But ok.. what I wanted to say is that I have argument - move on easily as you have many choices I get a feeling that person is not serious. This statement is equal to: Why not to be with someone who is much better than me if I have a choice and I can. This all has more in common with market than with relationship and feeling. Market relationships have rights to exist though. Everyone chooses what they want.

[alenika]

I will wait a little and keep an eye. And then will make desision what to do. Usually actions can tell more about person then his (her) words. So I will ask nothing just wait and if I will see smth strange really strange again and again, I will give up. I wold wait and then ask if necessary. And if things between us when serious then I'll try to explain all my concern that exact as I can. Because if something serious was then this worths all efforts to keep it. And if it cannot be kept, then we both should understand clearly that it can be break and break wiil be forever. I had this in past and I waited and gave all possible chances but when went away it was forever - as I accepted a choice of mature person. btw I think that with men it is different. They should make a bit more efforts to keep relationship. Without being pushy of course.

[Voobrazheniye]

and if a man gives up quickly and easily on a woman that proves he is not the man she is looking for

I agree. Show that you know what you want (her) and have the strength of will to go for it.

But I guess the question is how to define "quickly and easily." How long should it take before a man finally "gives up" and moves on? Also, if a man has been "pursuing" a woman for some time, how active has that pursuit been? Has he REALLY tried hard, or has it just been small, occasional efforts?

There so often seems to be a huge divide between the perspectives of men and women. In this case, a man might think he has been "pursuing" very actively, perhaps only because he has the woman on his mind all the time. But he may not really be acting as persistent as he imagines. And to her, it may seem like he only shows occasional interest, thus, she has only occasional reaction.

For a man, if you know in your heart that you want this particular woman, and if you can honestly say that you have pursued her hard, creatively and with obvious interest and fervor, AND if she is showing little interest back... then give up. But if you can't honestly say that you have been clearly and STRONGLY making your case, then you can't blame her if she is confused and does not know how to respond.

As with most things in life, a man has to have a clear vision of what he wants and then the clear self-confidence to go out there and get it.

Paul (who dispenses excellent advice for OTHER people):yo:

[Voobrazheniye]

of course it is a two way street....you never gave me my rose colored glasses back

Forget the rose-colored glasses; make Keenan give you back the beer-colored glasses.:p

Paul (who lives in Kharkov, where "beer glasses" are never necessary:lol:)

[1amongmany]

"But I guess the question is how to define "quickly and easily." How long should it take before a man finally "gives up" and moves on? Also, if a man has been "pursuing" a woman for some time, how active has that pursuit been? Has he REALLY tried hard, or has it just been small, occasional efforts?"

this is obviously different for each person but I think when the time is right one would feel it.....if there was a text book on all this GOGABBER would be out of business

[brown-raider]

"But I guess the question is how to define "quickly and easily." How long should it take before a man finally "gives up" and moves on? Also, if a man has been "pursuing" a woman for some time, how active has that pursuit been? Has he REALLY tried hard, or has it just been small, occasional efforts?"

this is obviously different for each person but I think when the time is right one would feel it.....if there was a text book on all this GOGABBER would be out of businesstill he meets a girl with a nicer bigger butt..:becky::eek:;)

[travlinman]

I have had both ..... The long termer and the short and easy !! With the long termer I hung in there keeping it alive with what started out a sure thing and in the end faded out to nothing.With the short and easy we met and within 5 days we were on the phone and in msn everyday, all day if possible and I was on that plane as soon as was humanly possible........so I believe it if doesnt happen quickly it is not the real thing and if games start being played give up:yield:

[Voobrazheniye]

this is obviously different for each person but I think when the time is right one would feel it.....if there was a text book on all this GOGABBER would be out of business

I thought that's what we were doing here - collectively writing the textbook!;)

[1amongmany]

ok, but you have to help me with my grammar

[cecilia]

I thought that's what we were doing here - collectively writing the textbook!;)and when it going to be published:rolleyes:

[crocman]

I have found that if someone is interested in you they usually reply quickly and without effort. If you have to chase for a reply or the replies are often slow then the writing is on the wall! There are sometime extenuating circumstances to a slow delay so each contact should be evaluated on it own merits.

[Mnguy2007]

From my experience if something is feeling wrong in a relationship, then something is wrong.
If your expectations were being met you wouldn't feel something is wrong.
In many cases communication can give you the answers to what is troubling you.
I also always try to remember that maybe what i am feeling is a reaction to something that I may not be giving to my partner.
There again communication is a must.
For me it seems that a person knows in there heart when it is right, and they also can sense when it is wrong and when to give up.

[disc999golfer999]

I am in a similar situation. This woman I want to visit had her computer break down. So I have no way of e-mailing her, and she has not logged onto LL in almost 1 month. Well..

I call today, and I thought she answered, but she hung up on me. I will try again tonight in a few hours. I wrote her a letter and sent it snail mail. It is the only way I can keep the communication channel open. I want to buy my plane ticket this week, but now I don't know if she is interested in me visiting her. I prefer someone just says they are not interested, instead of getting stood up in a foreign country.

For me it takes a while before I can go visit someone. I have to verify they are a real person. I sent her a rose and card a few weeks ago. She received it and I got her picture. I talked to her after the delivery.

I really don't want to go to the Eastern Bloc during winter time, it just isn't as fun. I am thinking I should move on. Communication is key, and without communication I can't make things work.:plane:

[Lucker]

Disco
Your summary paints a huge "No" .
Hope you can tell us later that the clouds broke and the sun came out .
Unlikely , I fear .

[zoroooo]

Hypothetical question. Say you are interested in someone that you have been communicating with for a while, and even have some feelings for them. You think they feel the same, but then they begin to act differently and cold towards you. What do you do? Continue to pursue, Just give up and move on, or ask them why they suddenly changed?


It means she took the other option...sometimes a local boyfriend sometimes one of the Twenty other guys she is comunicating with.

Just drop and go to YOUR next option. And guys traveling you to meet is risky.


zoroooo never travel to meet silly girls inviting manny men to meet.

:becky::becky::becky::becky:

[rainy-day]

when to give up?

when you feel you can't take it anymore. life is short. if someone really wants you would do anything to get you. if not........

we make things complicate, when most of the time the answers are more simple than we think.

(like the intelligence tests, when we ignore the easy way, because it seems to easy for an intelligence test, trying to find a complicate answer)

[Hoopy]

http://oneyearbibleimages.com/never_give_up.jpg

[rainy-day]

I am in a similar situation. This woman I want to visit had her computer break down. So I have no way of e-mailing her, and she has not logged onto LL in almost 1 month. Well..

I call today, and I thought she answered, but she hung up on me. I will try again tonight in a few hours. I wrote her a letter and sent it snail mail. It is the only way I can keep the communication channel open. I want to buy my plane ticket this week, but now I don't know if she is interested in me visiting her. I prefer someone just says they are not interested, instead of getting stood up in a foreign country.

For me it takes a while before I can go visit someone. I have to verify they are a real person. I sent her a rose and card a few weeks ago. She received it and I got her picture. I talked to her after the delivery.

I really don't want to go to the Eastern Bloc during winter time, it just isn't as fun. I am thinking I should move on. Communication is key, and without communication I can't make things work.:plane:

don't you think if she really wanted to talk to you she would do it anyway? there are net cafes. a broken pc, should not be a problem.

if you like and miss someone.........

[krevedko]

http://oneyearbibleimages.com/never_give_up.jpg

why is there a nacked chick in the background?? :confused::becky:

[cecilia]

if you think of give it up something's going wrong,if something wrong better to give it up as soon as possible:)anyway it's just waste of time.

[Lonewolf74]

why is there a nacked chick in the background?? :confused::becky:

ROFL....proof that a man did that drawing.... :P

V

[Hoopy]

Only a perv would spot that :p

[Shadow-off]

Don't quit !:flame::croc::heart2:

[sparkle]

Again I haven't read all this.

If something is not not rite...just move on

[snow_flake]

Hypothetical question. Say you are interested in someone that you have been communicating with for a while, and even have some feelings for them. You think they feel the same, but then they begin to act differently and cold towards you. What do you do? Continue to pursue, Just give up and move on, or ask them why they suddenly changed? I dont know the answer here Paul, i guess it can depends at many factors - some already told by other members here. Maybe the hypotetic woman feels there is only talking and no actions - because how long is it acceptable that there is just communication before visit. I guess womens experience with men at dating sites is much talk and less visit. Maybe she start thinking you are another one of these - and therefor start acting like she do. For remember - maybe there are 10 million more women than men in Ukraine - but in virtual dating life i guess the situation is opposite with much more men then women
:p

[mai_ra]

We all have a signaller inside of us pointing out what is right for each of us or what is wrong.
We may listen and be attentive to these signals we get. Clear we can give a lot of chances to our beloved in case we feel things begin to go wrong. A good question would be "What for"?
How long can one tolerate something one don't like in general? And again---what for?
You can not change anybody! If you see difficulties you may try and discuss them in the open manner, and react according the results of this discussion.

Virtual meeting has also one danger one may take into account. You may suddenly meet a person who is mentally or (which is more complicated) emotionally sick.
Two adult confident people will always be polite and attentive to each other, it could not be problems of discussing calmly everything you need to. I dont personally understand a variant when a person just disappear without explanation.

Good luck to all of us!

[statajack]

Virtual meeting has also one danger one may take into account. You may suddenly meet a person who is mentally or (which is more complicated) emotionally sick.


This could equally apply in meeting somebody in real life. I am not convinced it should be pointed specifically at internet hook-ups. :yo:

[Lucker]

Virtual meeting has also one danger one may take into account. You may suddenly meet a person who is mentally or (which is more complicated) emotionally sick.


Were you pointing the finger at General Tubby and Blue Reindeer or were you thinking of the women ?

[mai_ra]

This could equally apply in meeting somebody in real life. I am not convinced it should be pointed specifically at internet hook-ups.

In real life it is easy (for me) to see that a person is inadequate emotionally.
If one base his/her judgement of a person only on letters and chat it's rather difficult to make conclusions as for strange reactions you sometimes get. Even specialists in the field would hardly give you definite answer what it is.:rolleyes:

[mai_ra]

Were you pointing the finger at General Tubby and Blue Reindeer or were you thinking of the women ?

Women are not perfect, they are not angels.

I'm sure you'd accept the answer:p:becky:

[statajack]

In real life it is easy (for me) to see that a person is inadequate emotionally.
If one base his/her judgement of a person only on letters and chat it's rather difficult to make conclusions as for strange reactions you sometimes get. Even specialists in the field would hardly give you definite answer what it is.:rolleyes:

Ah, you're talking about body language. I have to concur that this is the failing in "meeting" somebody on the internet.

There are however, advantages in both methods of finding somebody. The written word over a period of time, both in email and through live chat in an internet Messenger, can enlighten in other areas. Patience in particular. :yo:

[1amongmany]

In real life it is easy (for me) to see that a person is inadequate emotionally.

if I don't cry while watching "Notting Hill" does that make me emotionally inadequate? :becky:

[Lucky]

when to give up?

NEVER :peace::first::viannen_37:

[statajack]

when to give up?

NEVER :peace::first::viannen_37:

That's the spirit !! :)

[Lucky]

Sure ;):yo:

[1amongmany]

oh come on, there has to be a point when you say 'enough is enough, this is going no where'

[Voobrazheniye]

oh come on, there has to be a point when you say 'enough is enough, this is going no where'

Yes. There is such a point.

[Lucky]

oh come on, there has to be a point when you say 'enough is enough, this is going no where'

sure... i think there can be such points... but does it mean u have to give up :p why should u... there are so many things in the world u can reach and win ;) just always go forward and dont stop... energy needs movement ;):yo:

[1amongmany]

so the topic was about when to give up in a 'relationship' not a race.....you are saying sure there is a point, when? but you won't give up, why?

[Lucky]

so the topic was about when to give up in a 'relationship' not a race.....you are saying sure there is a point, when? but you won't give up, why?

i guess u refer this post to me... i just noticed it...
when to give up? - never...

when to give up in relations? - when u feel u became indifferent to other person...

[Lucky]

I have read it in one of russians topics... good article... Love is talking with Amorousness... it refers to my answer...

- Ah, Love! I so dream to be the same, as you! - Delightfully repeated Amorousness. You are much stronger than I.

- Do you know from whence came my strength? - asked Love
- Yes, I think so , you are one of the most important feelings for people - said Amorousness.

- No, my dear, completely not, - Love has sighed and has stroked Amorousness on the head. - I am able to excuse people that use me such.

Can you excuse Betrayal?
- Yes, I can, because Betrayal often borne of ignorance, instead of malicious intent.

- Can you excuse Treason ?
- Yes, I can, that too, because being unfaithful and being back, the person has had an opportunity to compare, and has chosen the best.


- Can you excuse Lies?
- Lies are the least of any harms, because they often come from a hopelessness, incomprehension of one own faults, or from unwillingness to emotionally hurt ones partner, and it is a positive reaction..

- I do not think so! In fact we have many false people!!!
- Certainly, we have!! But, they have no the slightest affinity to me, as they are not able to love.

What else can you excuse ?
- I can excuse Rage as it is short-term. I can excuse Abruptness as it often causes Trouble. Trouble and Affliction cannot be foreseen and checked, as everyone is afflicted in their own way.

What else ??
- Still I can excuse Insult - There is senior sister of Affliction as they often follow one of another . I can excuse Disappointment as it followed often with Suffering, and then Suffering clears.

- Ah, Love! You are really surprising! You can excuse everything, and I at first test die away, as burnt down match! I so envy you!!!

- You are not right, baby. Nobody can excuse all. Even Love.
Because it kills feelings, erodes soul, conducts to Melancholy and leads to Destruction. It causes such pain, that even the great miracle cannot cure it. It poisons life to partners and compels their feelings to conceal in their souls.

It will wound more strongly than Betrayal and Adultery and hurt worse than Lie and Insult. You will understand it when you get it. Remember, Amorous, the most terrible enemy of feelings - Indifference. As there is no medicine to cure it.

[Shadow-off]

So if we remove love from your story, will these other things still plague us in life? Will they still exist? Will PEOPLE still use these things to intentionally and unintentionally create pain for others and themselves?. I think this is not isolated to love and relationships but to anything in life where you have to interact with people. Being that is true then it gives us three choices:

1. We can withdraw from all life because every interaction with people, co-workers and even friends at a party, will give other people the opportunity to do things to hurt us and piss us off.

2. We can physically beat the living sh_t out of anyone that taunts us or use other methods to bring terror and misery in their life. Thus we will become as they are; making an already negative society more negative. Ah but psychopaths don't care what they do.

3. We can ignore them; realizing they have issues, and that not everyone we meet in life is worthy of our time, effort, care, and attempts to love them sincerely. Just because you simply walk away forever without argument, and confrontation; doesn't make you a coward, it makes you right. You and I have better things to do than waste our time on ridiculous and unscrupulous people.

Some people that meet or that are forced to interact with each other; just simply aren't compatible with each other in any environment. Their personalities, values, and ambitions are very often totally incompatible between each other.

The function of love is not to forgive but to only love. Those that make problems and issues in our life aren't loving us, and may not be worthy of our love, time and care.

[Shadow-off]

What am I worth to you; dear fiancee ?

8 hours with no phone call or text message from the woman I am in love with that is my fiancée. How do I feel about this ?

PHYSICALLY:

My stomach is in a knot it feels like an intense hunger feeling that won’t go away.
I feel like my body in on an amphetamine jittery , too excited, my heart beat is faster my breathing short and shallower, my palms are sticky and damp my fingers cold to the touch and feel cold too. I will go wash my hands in hot water to warm them. I’m nerved up physically about this. Really it is an uncomfortable sick feeling.

MENTALLY:

The first thing my mind says to me is, I’m being played and used by this person. How can I be important to her when she doesn’t even consider me. How difficult is it in a days time to simply use your fingers to write the words I’m busy with the baby or what ever and say I love you. It is called consideration.

I’m worried into feeling badly as described above ; is she sick, hurt, injured, dead or alive ? If none of these then why am I not hearing from her ? What excuse is it this time ? How many excuses should I have to accept and tolerate ? This makes about the 50th time.

How can this person say they have love meenough to be my fiancée; when they cannot text me at least 6 times in a days time taking 15 seconds per text ? That means she would have devoted 1 minute 30 seconds for her life to me in 24 hours. I don’t feel that is so much to ask of anyone.

[bobbyd]

What am I worth to you; dear fiancee ?

8 hours with no phone call or text message from the woman I am in love with that is my fiancée. How do I feel about this ?

PHYSICALLY:

My stomach is in a knot it feels like an intense hunger feeling that won’t go away.
I feel like my body in on an amphetamine jittery , too excited, my heart beat is faster my breathing short and shallower, my palms are sticky and damp my fingers cold to the touch and feel cold too. I will go wash my hands in hot water to warm them. I’m nerved up physically about this. Really it is an uncomfortable sick feeling.

MENTALLY:

The first thing my mind says to me is, I’m being played and used by this person. How can I be important to her when she doesn’t even consider me. How difficult is it in a days time to simply use your fingers to write the words I’m busy with the baby or what ever and say I love you. It is called consideration.

I’m worried into feeling badly as described above ; is she sick, hurt, injured, dead or alive ? If none of these then why am I not hearing from her ? What excuse is it this time ? How many excuses should I have to accept and tolerate ? This makes about the 50th time.

How can this person say they have love meenough to be my fiancée; when they cannot text me at least 6 times in a days time taking 15 seconds per text ? That means she would have devoted 1 minute 30 seconds for her life to me in 24 hours. I don’t feel that is so much to ask of anyone.


ok, let me understand this.

Yesterday you discussed your third divorce being finalized.

Previous to that you have written in length about not being able to find the love of your life

Today, we have a new Chris talking about a fiancé.

wtf?

[Shadow-off]

I don't see what your confused about . Remeber I have separated and living apart from my ex since 15 Dec 2005.

[Shadow-off]

There is a certain amount of effort that needs to be expressed from each person in a couple professing to love the other person in any relationship for the relationship to be considered as something honest and true. No one can demand anyone to do things and we shouldn't have to in the case of love and relationships. We only need to allow our partner to paint the portrait of what life is going to be like with them in the future based on their desire to express. We can only view what they paint and decide if what we see from them about our future will be enough for what we need from them. If not then there is no point in wasting time on painting you don't like.

[bobbyd]

I don't see what your confused about . Remeber I have separated and living apart from my ex since 15 Dec 2005.


I'm confused Chris because I read your posts and aside from never indicating a fiancé you have written quite the contrary. You have posted ad nauseum about your search for the perfect woman and how it has been a dismal failure yet suddenly...voila...she is here.

If I had a fiancé I would be screaming from the rooftops letting the the whole world know about her and especially the gang here at GG. I certainly would not be writing short stories about an imaginary search. Methinks you are bordering on delusional.

[Lucker]

And I am a 100% certain .
It bothers me not a jot but I am sure the truth would be better for you and much more engaging for others -- me included . Though that last thought might put you off !!

[Shadow-off]

Bobby I am a really private guy; you have know idea how much so. When and if in the future I get married I will broadcast that at that time because then it will fact. Fiancees are never fact, only potential fact. So I'm not going into a big deal about the person I am seeing now. I'm just stating some things to get them off my chest, that she has been doing that disturb me. Maybe someone one here reading it will share their thoughts about how they might feel under the same circumstances. This gives me input in the form of the opinions of others that help me to possible see the situation I am in more clearly. I am very quick to slam the door on relationships with people that don't consider my feelings for fear that if I should marry one of them I won't be considered by them then either. I am very quick triggered and really it doesn't take much negative expression from a person for me to pull it. You are all mainly different and more understanding. I like seeing what other people think because it helps me to lets say be perhaps more understanding and diplomatic.

[paddedcell]

Chris...

Sorry m8...but I have to agree with Bobski here... I too am incredibly surprised and confused by this revelation...as, having read pertinent posts, I thought your desperate search was still 'on'... :confused:

As an example of my own confusion...

I don't see what your confused about . Remeber I have separated and living apart from my ex since 15 Dec 2005.

Is this the ex you called the other night asking...

Are you sure that you also want this divorce and there is no possibility of reconciliation?

Please Chris...do not take this the wrong way...but I think you have thought way, way too much about way, way too much and have completely lost yourself somewhere...leaving your goodself confused...as well as those of us who read your pertinent posts... If this is indeed the case...then I would (harsh though it may sound) consider seeking professional help to alleviate the confusion, remove the negativity and find 'the real you' again...before you get sucked in so deep you are beyond rescue...

(hug)

[Shadow-off]

Let me help you understand a little more about the call to the ex. I am very devoted to GOD and I believe when two people are married it is a promise and agreement with each other and with God. I called her to make sure she also definately wants the divorce. The reason is because later after our deaths we have to face God and explain our reasons. In other words we face Gods judgement when we make the decision to end our marriage in divorce. That's why I called her to make sure she doesn't want reconcilliation. If she did I would not get divorced.

[paddedcell]

Let me help you understand a little more about the call to the ex. I am very devoted to GOD and I believe when two people are married it is a promise and agreement with each other and with God. I called her to make sure she also definately wants the divorce. The reason is because later after our deaths we have to face God and explain our reasons. In other words we face Gods judgement when we make the decision to end our marriage in divorce. That's why I called her to make sure she doesn't want reconcilliation. If she did I would not get divorced.

M8...

The way you live your life...be it in fear of some form of reprisal when you're already dust...or whatever way...is no business of mine...and I am therefore in no position to criticise you...

All I can say is that if I was engaged...my Fiancee...my Son...my Family...and my Friends would remain...the only worshipped in my life...

What did your Fiancee say about the 'reconciliation call' to your ex? She was okay with it right?

[Shadow-off]

Yes she was.

[bobbyd]

thus ending the relationship with your "fiancé"? I guess she would be thrilled to hear this little tidbit.

Man, you're just painting yourself into a corner.

[Shadow-off]

The problem here is that you are looking at this not from what I am seeing and I would like to do. However the reality of this is there is no fiancee if there is no divorce. In addition to that the way the person I am seeing has been acting over the past three months makes me very hesitant to consider marrying her anyway. The more we are together the worse she is becoming in this respect. What she has been doing I cannot deal with and it frightens me very much. Also keep in mind my ex has requested the divorce on three separate occasions the lastest being over a year before now. I knew when I called her that she would say again yes to the divorce. So basically my call is a jesture of respect. I don't know any other way of putting it. If when I called my ex she had said yes to reconcilliation, it would not have simply been a done deal, that I would just go back with her without many changes on her end that I know she would never agree too. So my fiancee ( person I am seeing), has not been violated in this situation.

An example, true examples:

My proposed fiancee said I am going to Hospital A. * hours later I call hospital A and the hospital said she was never there.
I call proposed finacee and ask which hospital did you go to ? She said I went to hospital B . I called hospital B and they said she was never there. I asked is there any other hospital in the city. They no.
8 hours has passed today and I have heard nothing from my proposed fiancee by phone or text.
This has happened about 30 times since we have known each other.

Any reasonable person would ascertain they were being lied to and ignored. Is this a fiancee ?

[bobbyd]

The problem here is that you are looking at this from what I the person I am seeing and I would like to do. However the reality of this is there is no fiancee if there is no divorce. In addition to that the way the person I am seeing has been acting over the past three months makes me very hesitant to consider marrying her anyway. The more we are together the worse she is becoming in this respect. What she has been doing I cannot deal with and it frightens me very much. Also keep in mind my ex has requested the divorce on three separate occasions the lastest being over a year before now. I knew when I called her that she would say again yes to the divorce. So basically my call is a jesture of respect. I don't know any other way of putting it. If when I called my ex she had said yes it would not have simply been a done deal that I would go back without many changes on her end that I know she would never agree too. So my fiancee ( person I am seeing), has not been violated in this situation.

An example true example:

My proposed fiancee said I am going to Hospital A. * hours later I call hospital A and the hospital said she was never there.
I call proposed finacee and ask which hospital did you go to ? She said I went to hospital B . I called hospital B and they said she was never there.
8 hours has passed and I have heard nothing from my proposed fiance by phone or text.
This has happened about 30 times since we have known each other.

Any reasonable person would ascertain they were being lied to and ignored. Is this a fiancee ?


interesting. Here's what I see:

1. About a year ago you made it very clear that you were going to school and had absolutely no money, thus having a g/f was out of the question. Remember that infamous thread on LL?

2. Today, you have a fiancée who is not returning your SMS. Should I assume she is in your town because if she is in Eastern Europe then I have to ask...have you ever met her? I mean, you have no money thus you haven't traveled in awhile so I would hate to think you are engaged to a figment of your imagination. But that's ok, 'cause in my imagination I'm engaged to Di (both of them), Alex, Ivanka, Tanya, Sveta, Vita, Victoria, Katryn and a whole bunch of girls here...psst don't tell anyone, it's a weekend thing.

3. If - and I say the following with some degree of hope for you - your fiancée is not answering your SMS then have a drink and relax. Worst case scenario you can find another one. Sh*t, you can have one of mine but not either of the Dianes; and definitely not Alex; oh and forget Ivanka, Tanya or Sveta...you know what I kind of want to stay with Vita, Victoria and Katryn so never mind.

[Shadow-off]

You're the greatest Brother. I appreciate you seeing my side of this in part. I do have money I just was never convinced enough that anyone here was truly serious. No, she doesn't live in the same city but 2 hours drive from me. Your advice is good ; wait and collect more evedence to make a more reasonable decision. Thak you Bobby for your patience and understanding. I'm complex .

[Hoopy]

I'm complex .
We just call it a total fruitcake in Scotland.

[Shadow-off]

OH shit I'll straighten up soon my friends don't lose faith. I'm like a slinky predictable only at rest. :becky:

[Buff-Aussie]

and if a man gives up quickly and easily on a woman that proves he is not the man she is looking for


I disagree

women need to step up to the plate and realise if they do not do some of the work to keep a man then there is a woman that will.

its a new century step up to the plate and embrace change --- women should learn to do some pursuing and approaching --- but they can not cope with rejection because hell have no fury as a woman scorned.

And any many that does not kick a woman to the curb if she goes cold on him needs to grow a set of testicles or wear a T-Shirt that says "I am a mangina"

[Shadow-off]

Wanting each other is a 50/50 thing.

[Sarah]

Bad Shadow! Shame on you! You are a scientific fictionist and I spent so many hours on your psychoanalysis and especially on your psycopathology... You have to immediately compensate me all my brain work devoted to your imaginary loneliness and solitude, and especially – for all my advices to contact a prostitute (because such advices are the most expensive).
Anyway, good luck and do not shout that the wolf is here anymore… We are not coming to rescue you!

:lol::mad::lol::confused::lol::rolleyes::mad::mad: :lol::lol::eek::eek:

[Shadow-off]

No one rescues anyone; we only rescue ourselves. The lack of someone in life, is as tragic for someone else unknown also; both lose something wonderful generally. So if I try, I tried; if we reject, both lose. We set our own rules of acceptance based on the criteria we formulate from our own desires, and needs. In the process we eliminate people from our lives that may desire to be a part of our life, for the sake of hoping to find whom we desire. We assume the risk upon ourselves for the sake of our own want. I can only ask will you ? to any person. I can't make them say yes, I can't make them behave as I might want or expect they should. I can only look upon these actions and behaviors to determine if I can comfortably and beneficially live happily with them. We are all the same in that respect.

Because most men my age do things; should I follow in there path against my own desire should I not agree with them? If I follow against my belief; what have I become ? A leming.

[wkd]

Hypothetical question. Say you are interested in someone that you have been communicating with for a while, and even have some feelings for them. You think they feel the same, but then they begin to act differently and cold towards you. What do you do? Continue to pursue, Just give up and move on, or ask them why they suddenly changed?



This is an interesting topic, for me; its ongoing, and will always be a question that provails through generations.

You all should have read my pieces on a similar topic in the old LL forum (west/east dating, associated issues problems, lies and deceit) oh yes it covered a lot, and aired with democracy .. it was researched (yes real research), for 3yrs, before submitting abstracts on the forum. From the UK to Vladivostok, up &down Europe, collating info.

It's a hard topic (the medium used) to aire democratically (international dating) as each culture will claim/argue/agree/deny the opposite of even what there own people state :o)... and yet opinion can only be perceived if you live (within the specific environment of the person answering), see and hear opinions first hand, and why they are formed, the elements.

Love, life and the trials of both, vary in what we seek, and the reasons for such seeking; but whats universal is we all seek happiness... in some form... How we get there is complicated... Depending on individuals goals and trials of life....

Cold acts to eachother or from either party, are symbolic of keeping what we want from, or don't want from a relationship...

To walk away if one is cold, maybe wise, but without reasoning in open, honest discussion, leads to blame.. and a confused speculatory description, why the relation ended...

Primarily, what's needed is for both parties to remain open, honest and truthful, were resolution is always an option.

Though many find it (if they have an ulterior motive) hard to communicate... and the perceived coldness is what is shown, visually, and within attitude.

It's why many (as i have read recently in forum posts), state it takes time, to find the one we'll feel comfortable with.

Yet it's human nature to trust, especially if a loved one tells us such info, and on the surface we accept. Time poves all, but the exceptions are common, we truly don't know someone unless we research, ask, discuss 'all' from both sides. Even then you're not guarenteed the truth, but we have no reason to doubt' so we accept.

Thats the fundemental difference to dating in reality and online dating.

Anyone can perceive to be, do, or act as they wish, moreso online, as it's easier to disguise. In reality dating we see whats infront of us and make a judgement, if not, then where did one night stands, or the acknowledgement of 'love at first sight', both come from; given I've never heard of 'love at first IM'.

Online dating takes time. To rush it gives the impression of desperation, to be relaxed can give an impression of not being interested.

The uncertainty, on where a relationship will lead, can cause self doubt, constant questioning, jealousy and more, and yet in opposition you can find many couples that are carefree committed and will do all for eachother, without ever arguing or having doubt, never wondering or looking for another. These are the exceptions of course, as it's human nature to question anothers action, in any form of partnership.

The act of one being cold to another, is a reason to doubt, or at least question. An action, needs a reaction.

What is prevalent, from reseach, is many females (eastern) 'don't see how they act' sometimes, or readily don't want to justify their actions, but only see the reactions from their other half. The reasoning for this can be specualated, as females don't tend to chase guys, guys chase females, where when questioned the majority of females are shy, say they are uncomfortable to do such, or I guess don't accept rejection the same way a guy can, or maybe this is only towards foreign guys (it wasn't specifically asked). So it's on a guy to make the moves, to demonstrate their intention(s). When it's safe, i.e comfortable, then the female will follow the guys lead, if interested.

Coldness in action, is a reason to ask why... walk away if you're comfortable in doing such.. yet sooner or later it will eat you up, to know why.

As you said, your initial posting was hyperthetical, and yet it's a question that will always be asked or pondered over. To know the reasoning why, makes or breaks.


Cheers


sm:ash